


Waiting

by zarabithia



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Abortion, Gen, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 20:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarabithia/pseuds/zarabithia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saavik waits during the months between <i>The Search For Spock</i> and <i>The Voyage Home.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Enochia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enochia/gifts).



> As always, I consider Trek novels to be fun fan fic, and I have borrowed, changed, and disregarded events from them as the urge hit.

They tell her that Spock does not remember. 

It is not just her. She cannot and will not take it personally, though the half of her that she has always struggled to control is tempted. 

"I thought we were going to be getting him back," Admiral Kirk says to her while they wait. Much of their days are spent waiting, while the healers and teachers of Spock's home world tried to heal him. 

It is not her home world. At least, it is not in the way that she understands others to use the term, but she is able to be Vulcan enough to remind Admiral Kirk of what matters most. 

"We did." 

"But not the parts that matter, did we, Mister Saavik?" 

Anger stirs, and she thinks that it would be easy to lash out at him. She could wield the word _illogical_ as the weapon that his "human" never was. 

But in the natural light of the twilight of a world Saavik never grew up on, the creases of Admiral Kirk's face are not drawn tightly enough to hide the resemblance to the man who they are never going to get back at all. 

It is emotional and illogical, but her temper is soothed. 

~

_"I do not understand," Saavik says to Spock._

_"Not an infrequent occurrence. But an understandable one, considering your upbringing." Spock inclines his head towards her and studies her silently. "It would be easier to answer your question if you phrased it more specifically."_

_"I already have you and Surak to teach me how to be a Vulcan. Why do I have to read about it from someone else?"_

_"The expectations and experiences of female Vulcans are not always the same as those of male Vulcans," Spock answers her._

_"That is illogical."_

_"Indeed." Spock does not disagree with her. Instead, he offers, "Our people strive toward logic, Saavik. It is not always something that we are successful at obtaining."_

_"That is ... disappointing." The frown across her features is automatic, but she hastily tries to correct it. "No. Disappointment is an emotion."_

_"It is," Spock agrees. "Not one I am familiar with at this time."_

_She thinks that he might be, if he were to know how happy that makes her. She looks at the PAAD in her hand and reads the name of the author carefully._

_"If you believe this T'Pau has much to teach me, then I will endeavor to learn, Spock."_

~ 

Lady Amanda visits her often. 

"You are family, after all," Lady Amanda tells her. 

It is likely something offered out of sentiment during Lady Amanda's time of grieving, but as it is technically true, Saavik does not begrudge Lady Amanda that way she has been tempted to do with Admiral Kirk.

So she sits with Lady Amanda while Spock proves that the knowledge gained at Starfleet is still intact, even if his personal memories are not.

"I know it is the Vulcan way to not talk of such things," Lady Amanda says to her, which is a good indication to Saavik that this conversation is about to become very unpleasant. "But I suspect I have either you or Dr. Marcus to thank for helping Spock through some very trying times on Genesis." 

Unpleasant is perhaps not the correct word for it, then. 

"Dr. Marcus is. Was a human." Lady Amanda smiles at her, and Saavik feels the need to clarify, "He was unfamiliar with the changes Spock would be experiencing." 

"Then I owe you my thanks on my son's behalf."

"You owe me nothing." Saavik glances off to her right, towards Mount Seleya and practices her breathing exercises. "I did not mean to snap at you. It was inappropriate to do so." 

"It's a difficult time for all of us," Lady Amanda answers, and she laughs softly as she adds, "Besides, I am quite familiar with the Vulcan temperament by now, Saavik." 

~

_Spock has never brought a visitor with him before, and Saavik knows what the reaction of other Vulcans have been to her existence, to the existence of others like her._

_Saavik does not recoil when Ambassador T'Pol accompanies Spock to her lesson for the day, but she does not quite rise her hand up in greeting as quickly as she should._

_Neither Spock nor Ambassador T'Pol seem to notice._

_"Hello, Saavik." Ambassador T'Pol's hand does not hesitate in greeting her, but her spoken greeting is less formal than Spock's, and Saavik is not expecting that. Nor is she expecting the way that Ambassador T'Pol does not pause before sitting down on the floor next to her._

_"Your face betrays emotion, Saavik," the Ambassador says. "What surprises you?"_

_"I am still learning to control my emotions," Saavik explains._

_"Given your past life experiences and your age, I would expect nothing less," the Ambassador says. "Though my comments were an observation, not a judgment. More importantly, you have yet to answer my question."_

_"I have read of your work through the writings of T'Pau," Saavik answers. "You are busier even than Spock was when I was found. I do not understand why you are here."_

_"Perhaps that is a question that your teacher should answer you first," T'Pol suggests, and Spock folds his hands behind his back before he begins to speak._

_"In recent days, it has come to my attention that you have believe our efforts to control our emotions are unique to our dual heritage," Spock finally says. "It became necessary for you to understand that to be a false assumption."_

_Saavik looks over at T'Pol and, though she is not proud of it, doubts Spock's words. She cannot imagine that this woman, who served upon the first Warp 5 starship and who helped form the Federation itself, has ever had difficulty controlling her emotions._

_"What Spock is trying to say," Ambassador T'Pol corrects, "is that I have lived for many years, and in that time, I have had both successes and failures. Today, he believes it most beneficial for you to be made more acutely aware of my failures than my successes."_

_Saavik still has her doubts, but she folds her hands into her lap and listens as Ambassador T'Pol begins to speak._

~

When the initial symptoms begin, Spock's knowledge is still being tested. While Saavik certainly has a vested interest in making sure that his knowledge is what it should be, she also has a vested interest in discovering why plomeek soup has suddenly began to make her sick to her stomach. 

She believes it to be nothing more than an unexpected reaction to Spock's homeworld. Perhaps it might even be stress. The fact that an increase in mental stresses can result in physical illness is rudimentary science. To say that she has not been having success in her meditations lately would be an understatement. 

Vulcan has never truly been her home, and she is a Starfleet officer, so she takes her concerns to Dr. McCoy. 

A pregnancy is not the expected diagnosis, but it is the one she receives. 

Certainly, the circumstances had been correct on Genesis to create a child, but two Vulcan hybrids should not be able to conceive without help. 

"But then, Spock shouldn't be alive again, either," Dr. McCoy _reminds_ her, as though it is even remotely necessary to do so. 

"You believe that this is due to Genesis?" Saavik thinks of David and his _cheating_ when she asks. 

"Seems as good an explanation to me as any. It's already ignored the laws of nature to bring back a man from the dead. How much harder can it be to create a new life?" 

"Logical," Saavik answers. Her voice is steady, even if her thoughts are not. 

~

_Ambassador T'Pol is their guest for several weeks, but when her busy schedule takes her away, she leaves behind stories of a T'Mir and copies of correspondence with an Ambassador V'Lar whom Saavik does not know._

_Spock finds her reading through that correspondence when the noonday meal approaches._

_"Did you find the Ambassador's visit to be beneficial?" he asks._

_Saavik finishes her sip of plomeek soup while she finds the right words. "I find it puzzling," she says finally. "She and Ambassador V'Lar are not at all what I pictured full-blooded Vulcans to be. Neither is her supposed ancestor who broke one of our laws in order to help humans for ... sentimental reasons."_

_"Those of us who choose space as our home face sometimes experience greater difficulty in adhering to all of the teachings of Surak," Spock tells her._

~

He does not remember her, but he visits her before he visits the other Starfleet officers. 

"I do not remember you, but my mother tells me that you were an important factor in my life before I was separated from my katra," he says to her. 

"If you had all of your memories in tact, you would likely be visiting Admiral Kirk first," Saavik answers. "Though I would suspect I might have earned a secondary visit." 

"Indeed." Spock's eyebrows do raise in a familiar way, but the comfort the act would normally bring is entirely absent. "The healers believe that interaction may help restore my memories." 

"That is a desirable outcome for you?" 

"It appears to be more desirable for others than for myself," Spock answers. "The knowledge I require to function on a Starship and as part of Starfleet has already been restored." 

She tries to reconcile this man with the one who helped her understand that emotional attachment is something that are shared by all Vulcans. It is a difficult task, because he bears as much resemblance to that wise mentor as he does to the frightened teenager he'd been on Genesis. 

"The comfort of your teammates is necessary for daily Starship interactions," she says. 

"Illogical."

But that does not make it less true. "Your teammates are primarily _human_." 

~

_By the time Saavik is introduced to Number One, the concept of a visitor is no longer new. But neither is it a frequent occasion._

_She sits and she plays chess with Number One, and Number One tells her of the Spock that she once knew._

_"I hold the honor of being the first person to beat him at a game of chess," Number One tells her._

_"I don't like chess very much," Saavik confesses._

_"Then why are we playing?" Number One asks her._

_"Spock thinks it's important for relaxation."_

_"That is hardly true, if it is a game you detest." Number One picks up the pieces and begins to put them away as she continues to talk. "Just because something is right for Spock doesn't mean it's right for you, Saavik."_

~

"Your leave has been granted for good and proper cause," Admiral Kirk tells her and follows that with, "You will be in good hands here." 

He is still compromised emotionally, so she does not argue with him. Instead, she gives her testimony to Spock and watches the crew leave. 

The procedure itself is gratefully short, and the Vulcan healers may be strangers, but she finds that fact surprisingly comforting. Afterwards, Lady Amanda visits her, and offers to allow Saavik recovery time in the family home.

Saavik agrees. 

~

_"Do you miss them?" Saavik asks._

_"Specify, Saavik."_

_"Your teammates. The ones you left behind to help me."_

_"I would prefer that they were here as well. However, some responsibilities supersede others."_

_"Do you miss space?"_

_"Once you have traveled, Saavik, it is difficult to regain the patience to remain still. Consider that a warning."_

~

An additional month is long enough to spend on Vulcan. She could take a permanent transfer here, and in fact, Lady Amanda thinks that would be a wonderful idea.

Saavik disagrees. 

"Permission to come aboard, Captain?" she asks as she reports for duty for her new ship for the first time. 

It has been many years since they last played chess, but the answer is just as confident and devoid of unnecessary emotion as it had been then.

"Permission granted," Number One tells her. "Welcome aboard, Mister Saavik."


End file.
